Monopoly: Updated for The New Normal

Why should you never tell a pig a secret?
Because they love to squeal! 

What do you call a pig that does karate?
Pork chop!

What would happen if pigs could fly?
The price of bacon would go up.  

Pig!  Pig!  Pig!  Piggy!  Pig!  Pig!

Monopoly: Cheater’s Edition reinforces the idea that winning means swindling your way to the top and pulling the ladder up behind you. 

Monopoly: Cheater’s Edition, soon to be excreted by Hasbro Inc., is yet another domino to fall in a long line of ethics in decline.

“Oh, look at me! I just bought my way ‘outta those handcuffs, pulled off a land grab, and snatched up another $30 million! Proud piggy oink-oink!” 

And while I hear a tiny voice advising me to pull the stick out and relax, I can find no part of me that appreciates such rapidly diminishing coping skills among my fellows. Too many of us have begun to feed from the same trough, and the slop is low expectations and low wages to meet low skills.

Yeah-yeah, there have always been Monopoly cheaters. We know. Why make a fuss, ask questions, or reject convention, right? But the point is, this reeducation camp of Lesser American Character is looking less like the ho-hum option that’s always been available and more like mandatory curriculum for your child’s play dates. Hey parents, you’d better start teaching your kids “good” cheating and “bad” cheating before their report cards include “Deception Sciences.”

I wonder how future retirees will feel when they’re told the person who just scammed them ‘outta of their life savings – is 13½ years old?

Competition is great, but Monopoly is more like a game of attrition. Most kids play for it lack of choice, or when other board games have been kicked to pieces. At least that’s how I remember it. And there was always an unidentifiable ugliness to the little railroad tycoon with the top hat and brustache. So perhaps this is Hasbro’s answer to irrelevance. Either way, Monopoly: Cheater’s Edition will find its champions, and it’ll tag ’em like specimens in the wild. Maybe that’s why much of American society is changing so drastically, seemingly for the worse: improved identification of bullies, boors, and bastards. Personally, I reject a culture that excuses *shortsightedness –– and a version of Monopoly that makes it easier to pull up the ladder to screw the next guy. 


*No snowflake thinks itself responsible for an avalanche.
– Voltaire




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