LIVESTRONG SOMEWHERE ELSE, ASSHOLE

Everyone deserves a second chance, Lance, but you don’t get to have yours so soon. Right now, you just need to shut the hell up. You’re a clown. Compared to how much you’ve diminished our expectations of those we look up to, you’ve accomplished little. Thanks. 

And what’s with the sudden need to half-admit your wrongs anyway? Are you gonna compete again? Ha! Anywhere you race in the future, the media will follow, robbing legitimate athletes of acknowledgment they deserve. Your presence will render competition pointless, you selfish, cow-blood injecting weirdo!

We’ve read about your angry denials; we’ve watched you dare others to courtroom challenges. Over ten years, you’ve either bullied or sued your accusers and railed against anyone who fingered you as a cheat. So it’s a safe bet your prime time contrition is as phony as your denials.

Your so-called “intense” confession to Oprah Winfrey is an egotistical joke, you no testicle-having weasel. And why Oprah? Her soft-hearted fans can’t save you. Your sympathy-for-the-asshole schtick smacks of ex-Illinois Governor, Rod Blagojevich, another guy who couldn’t live without media attention. For you, for years, the name “Lance Armstrong” will be synonymous with fraud and cowardice. There’s your legacy, you sport-tarnishing, cancer foundation-destroying drug dealer.

Despite all this, you think a little public writhing will make it all better. It didn’t work for Blago, so he turned to reality television. What’s next for you, Lance? On which crappy show will you raise the narcissism bar? Will you call that absolution?

Why don’t you disappear for a while, say seven to ten years? Gérard Depardieu’s got it all figured out: why not join him in Russia? You could pick up a little performer monkey named счастливый and do bicycle tricks for the children. At night you could eat from a cracked wooden bowl and weep quietly. You could confess to счастливый and find forgiveness in his eyes. You might even return triumphantly to find they’ve made a musical about you, followed by a movie. Or a movie, then a musical. No sportswear or breakfast cereals for you, though: you’ll never see another box of Wheaties.

The point is, with the U.S. government joining a class action lawsuit against you, and “Lance Armstrong” becoming just another wacky character for the web and Saturday Night Live, it’ll be a while before you regain the public’s trust. And I wouldn’t bet on doing it at all. You threatened and intimidated people. I hope you don’t teach счастливый those same tricks!

LIVESTRONG you say? Persevere? Drive forward? Don’t look back? Sell it someplace else, Charlie. Your ability to appear resolute and determined will only work against you. Now we know it’s delusional and pathetic.

Go find the monkey and the wooden bowl. Better people than you have done more with less on humility’s path. This is going to take more than any makeover Oprah’s fans can give you. See ya in 2019, maybe.

 

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