Posts Tagged ‘Picasso’

There’s No Excuse for Baby Tattoos

Friday, March 20th, 2015

Notes-from-a-Non-parent-10_Where-Excuses-Go-to-DieC’mon, why baby tattoos? You wouldn’t have a picture of your tongue tattooed on your arm, would you?  

Well, aren’t we talking about something only a couple months shy of looking like someone’s tongue?

This non-parent certainly is.

The faces of most newborns don’t have nearly enough character to justify placement under your Mötorhead tattoo. Can I get a witness? Fresh babies are unshaped, rapidly evolving, and for all intents and purposes, under cooked. You wouldn’t want to look at it in a bowl, would you? Well to this non-parent, even highly stylized baby tattoos are not an improvement.

Besides, when a child is born and breathing for the first time, he or she doesn’t want to be there. He or she could care less about Creeper Ink on Piedmont Ave., or your penchant for over-sentimentalizing and mis-prioritizing your own emotional upheaval. (more…)

Court Referred Community Service Diary – 2

Tuesday, March 11th, 2014

Blotchy the Bear“Where Pleated Pants Go to Die” – Thursday morning, March 5, 2014.

I really did mean to pay the ticket on time, but when both extensions I’d requested were granted, so much time passed that I marginalized its importance. When I finally faced the music, the Traffic Commissioner was happy to suspend my hefty fine in exchange for 50 hours of community service at a local Goodwill Donation Center. This is the second in a series…

Day one’s “Top Five Items that Qualify as Most Disgusting.”

  • Food-encrusted plates and utensils
  • Matted stuffed animals
  • Pillows
  • Crumb-sprinkling toasters
  • Hairdryers and curling irons

Three hours was all I could do. I thought for sure I’d be able to push it to four, but both the headache and the pre-judgment I’d arrived with had worsened.  And yet, even failing to scratch the surface of my commitment, I began to appreciate the septic funhouse I’d entered. (more…)