Debate #2 of the 2012 election: Obama and Romney answer town hall style questions from undecided voters. Personally, I think I have better chance of convincing Aretha Franklin to give singing lessons to Lana Del Rey than I do of having even one of my questions answered, but here they are anyway.
Oh, and if style, body language, and poise are intended to trump substance, don’t worry – I’ve got that covered too.
Question #1 – Mr. Obama – Reuters is reporting today that a CIA captive and Guantanamo prisoner wrote a note criticizing NBA star LeBron James’s 2010 decision to leave the Cleveland Cavs for the Miami Heat. The note was treated as a top national secret for two months. If these are the kinds of headlines the Guantanamo Bay detention camp generates at this point, don’t you regret your failed pledge to close the camp within your first 100 days in office? Read more
Following its goodbye aerial tour of the Southland we gathered to watch a Space Shuttle fight LA traffic.
My nominal cynicism was extinguished when friends started callin’ with reports of a Space Shuttle on the 405. For months, we’ve known about Endeavour being hauled from LAX to the California Science Center, but it wasn’t ’til it jumped into the mosh pit of Los Angeles and became “one of us” that my heart started racing. Forgive us, but we don’t have a football team and we’re too busy acting all been there, done that to feel “a part of” something very often. So when Angelenos do come together, particularly in celebration of a worthy contribution to the world, I get happy for my hometown.
I wish Americans had more reasons to look at each other with goosebumps on our arms and say, “Damn! That’s fuckin’ COOL!” But for everyone right now braving the schlep, the crowds, the cops, and the unfamiliar neighbors, that’s just what’s happening: folks are sharing the sidewalk and making room for goosebumps. For what it’s worth (and cursing aside), God bless the parents who’re bringing their kids. They may not understand it now, but later they’ll feel lucky and proud that their parents made the effort to share in something bigger. Right there is where excuses go to die: at the point of getting over your reasons for not trying.
If there’s one thing our country doesn’t need, it’s people claiming to be more patriotic than the next guy, and that’s so abundant now it can be difficult to stomach having “USA! USA!” screamed into my ear. This event is opposite of that. This is for those us who are proud of where country can go when it wants to, not in how much we’re entitled to get.
Welcome to the inaugural 2012 Excuses of the Year Awards, in recognition of the San Andreas Fault lines running through the justifications of our favorite national newsmakers!
What better time to launch a contest with special emphasis on whose bullshit is the most moist than in an election year? We know already that two of our “Shame Candidates” will get extra attention in the coming weeks — as will, apparently, some of their supporters. Even late-comers like Al Gore, with his high-flying, high-brow, and just plain high “altitude defense” of Obama’s limp dick showing at the Denver presidential debate last week, makes the cut here — no excuse goes unconsidered. So stay tuned for these other nominees while I go ahead and bypass the whole contest by giving top honors to…
Of course our first champ is former Penn State assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky, convicted of sexually abusing 10 boys over a 15-year period! Yesterday Sandusky was officially banned from spending eternity in Hell by the Devil himself when he accused his judge of rushing his trial, his victims of conspiring against him, and the rest of the planet of making money off of his being a monster in time for Halloween.
You read that right, folks: the day before Sandusky was sentenced to 30-60 years in prison for luring small boys into a game of “Tickle the Old Man’s Penis,” his lawyer actually released an audio statement from his jail cell wherein he claims to be the victim. He’s confident, Sandusky says, that “we” will continue to protest his innocence, and in a particularly glaring sign of soft-headed delusion (plus a fascinating window into inhuman levels of denial), he refers to the very crimes for which he was convicted as “disgusting acts.”
Now THAT’s the mark of a winner. Our winner! I can’t imagine anyone topping this one between now and the end of the year, but I’ll be on the look out.
By the way, Sandusky’s lawyers said they’d appeal his case because they weren’t given enough time to prepare his defense. Ha! That this P.O.S. himself would wind up at the mercy of an excuse is funny and fitting.
