U.S. Secret Service: Strictly a Class Move

04/16/2012 by J. Nelson

–Broken links reinserted–

Those beer dicks in the Secret Service could and should have avoided the international embarrassment of “forced diplomatic intervention” that at least one Columbian pimp resorted to when denied payment. Who cares that prostitution is legal in Columbia, you puffed-up jocks: you hire a hooker, you still have to pay the hooker.

Forget about integrity or honor, good behavior, credibility, or even operational security or diplomatic bearing. Just be a decent human being and pay the person who gave you the Wet Monkey Wrench of your life. Not many of ‘em are in this for fun, after all. Read more

The Year I Drove Around with “FUCKER!” Carved into my Door

04/09/2012 by J. Nelson 1 Comment

A whole year! Couldn’t go anywhere without catching people’s double-takes and obliging demands for backstory. This is what my “get character or become one” philosophy is made of. I didn’t have the character to resist cheating on my girlfriend, so I became – for about a year – the jerk with “FUCKER!” carved into the door of his Jeep Cherokee.

At the time I had no idea what any of it meant, other than that I’d been caught and my girlfriend’s response was excessive and crazy. It took a while for me to get a clue. But from that year behind the wheel my biggest takeaway turned out to be a giveaway – and you’re reading it. Read more

The Shawshank Exemption

04/02/2012 by J. Nelson 3 Comments

Americans don’t want to talk about prisons. But “ooh, ‘Lock-up America’ is on – let’s watch!”

70RR06 — American History X is the dumbest movie ever. No dedicated, red-hot, curb-stomping, career White Supremacist is gonna suddenly see the light, repent, and boo-hoo for redemption as a result of being sodomized over a laundry cart.

U.S. incarceration rates are staggering: we now house 760 inmates for every 100,000 people; 7.1 million Americans are currently under lock and key. For too many years we’ve tried to win the War on Drugs by incarcerating our way out of it, and now here in California there are 300 parolees for every 1000 residents. And still the only way Californians (or anyone else, for that matter) seem able to digest America’s prison problem is by watching the same old clichés onscreen – what I call the “three Rs” of rape, riots, and rotten food.