The Year I Drove Around with “FUCKER!” Carved into my Door

April 9, 2012 by J. Nelson 1 Comment

A whole year! Couldn’t go anywhere without catching people’s double-takes and obliging demands for backstory. This is what my “get character or become one” philosophy is made of. I didn’t have the character to resist cheating on my girlfriend, so I became – for about a year – the jerk with “FUCKER!” carved into the door of his Jeep Cherokee.

At the time I had no idea what any of it meant, other than that I’d been caught and my girlfriend’s response was excessive and crazy. It took a while for me to get a clue. But from that year behind the wheel my biggest takeaway turned out to be a giveaway – and you’re reading it. Read more

On Juden Pond

March 18, 2012 by J. Nelson

Somewhere around 1920, a minor fungus reserve in Mont Vernon, New Hampshire, made U.S. Geological Survey maps as “Jew Pond,” by which bigoted assholes then referred to it. I hope that long after the votes have been counted and a new name decided upon, the story of Jew Pond won’t disappear with the creepy old-timers who refuse to recognize it by any other name. ‘Cause we can always use a lesson in Yankee narrow-mindedness.

Original Story LA Times

The festering, if serene, hole formerly known as “Jew Pond” is an 80 year-old artificial lake made for the nearby Grand Hotel and its golf course, where people “of Hebrew descent” were decidedly unwelcome. When the automobile came along and carried away the hotel’s intended patrons, its owners were forced to sell the place to the only people who wanted it – Jewish lawyers (gasp!) who catered to previously banned clientele.

Sarah Barnes: No Excuses Hero of the Week

March 6, 2012 by J. Nelson

26-year-old model and meth-mouth Sarah Barnes couldn’t see what she was doing while smokin’ the Biker Coffee inside the fifth-oldest tree on earth, so she lit an internal portion of the huge tree on fire for better light. Oops. Barnes offered no excuse upon her arrest, instead admitting to burning down the Longwood, Florida tourist attraction known as “The Senator,” and for this we call Sarah Barnes our No Excuses Hero of the Week. Read more

A “Teachable Moment” for the N-Word?

February 20, 2012 by J. Nelson

When Lincoln Brown, a white Illinois teacher, found the N-word in a note passed during his majority African-American sixth grade class, he paused to discuss the slur in detail, even explaining why it hurt him to say it. Midway through the lesson, the school’s principal walked in and Brown wound up suspended without pay.

First of all, isn’t a child learning about the N-word better than him or her simply picking it up from some dummy? I say yes, but I’m not sure we need Teacher Brown’s Federal lawsuit against Principal Gregory Mason and Chicago Public Schools (CPS) to get us there. Brown is claiming a violation of his First and Fifth Amendment rights, alleging that his 5-day suspension is both unjust and based on an inaccurate depiction of the episode submitted by Principal Mason. Read more

Welcome to a Worn-out Military

February 11, 2012 by J. Nelson 1 Comment

U.S. Marines, unaware that the Waffen-SS insignia epitomizes savagery and malice? Horseshit. The Corps has no excuse for refusing to discipline every soldier here, including the photographer.

Now before you start jumping up ‘n down about how I’m condemning our glorious holy troops, remember that the American Armed Forces are made up of individual young men and women. Read more

“Not Dead Enough”

February 6, 2012 by J. Nelson

News reports covering the arrest of pervert-teacher #1 prompted alleged victims of Miramonte Elementary pervert-teacher #2 to come forward. We’re gonna need a bigger shark tank.

Here’s another math problem:

Carmen needs to earn enough money to buy a “Not Dead Enough” edition A-6 survival knife to protect herself from pervert-teachers. The knife costs $42.99 + $7.00 for shipping. She has $18.52. How much money does Carmen need to charge her fellow students for protection to pay off a loan for the A-6?

But seriously folks…

Regardless of whether or not cops and school administrators take low income and immigrant families seriously – highly debatable in communities where Spanish is predominantly spoken – it was media-driven public awareness that caused the arrest of Mr. Martin Springer, Miramonte pervert-teacher #2, suspected of fondling two little girls. Read more

Do the (Molestation) Math

February 2, 2012 by J. Nelson

A 3^rd grade teacher is given $1 million bail for each of his 23 felony counts of lewd acts on a child. Taxpayers will spend $47,421 a year to imprison this teacher for the rest of his life. What is the total cost of throwing the teacher into a shark tank?

Source: Washington Post

Why-oh-why did the Los Angeles Unified School District keep a lid on having removed Mark Berndt from Miramonte Elementary School after the bad photos were found? Granted, investigators were trying to build a better case, but doing so likely prevented other children’s parents from asking what their kids may have been exposed to in that classroom and encouraging them to come forward.

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS = TALK

December 23, 2011 by J. Nelson

2012: The War on Big Talk

By not following through on things, I’ve caused more damage to my self-image and confidence than all of the frustrations or bad luck the world has ever thrown at me.

The older I get, the harder the could’ves and should’ves tend to bite. On the other hand, when I start something and I finish it, I feel like I have a full tank of gas and a wallet full of cash. The feeling is like body armor against the bullet points on lists of others’ accomplishments: Read more

UPDATE: The Vivian Maier Phenomenon Continues…

December 16, 2011 by J. Nelson

Still humbled by John Maloof’s incredible discovery.

New Vivian Maier1 — So much happening, so little to go on. The absence of color allows the viewer’s imagination to go wild.

Inspired by: Vivian Maier and vivianmaier.com

Swearing off all usage of the phrase “shock and awe” almost as soon as I heard it helped me deny its imprint, so now it can land where it wants, such as with street photographer Vivian Maier’s recently discovered body of work. I am in shock that Maier could hide the outcome of a life’s passion from the world so effectively, and I’m in awe of the work itself. I’m also in shock that someone unknowingly found thousands of Maier’s photos and undeveloped rolls of film, and I’m in awe of that person’s willingness to rise to the occasion and share them.

A Grateful Haiti Welcomes Kim Kardashian

December 11, 2011 by J. Nelson

The celebrated prostitute risks cholera and ridicule for beachside photo ops with fans that live on $1.71 per day. Her bodyguards will eat enough to feed 300 of the children who might otherwise touch the reality television star without warning.

Kim Kardashian's visit to Haiti is expected to empower the Haitian people to buy Kardashian Glamour Tan and Kardashian Beach Bunny SwimWear

I know, I know – why start a conversation about Kim Kardashian at all? Hey, I go where the B.S. takes me.

Kardashian is a myopically self-obsessed individual with a grossly deformed ego and a missing moral compass, and in fact there is currently no better example of a person who’s become a character at the expense of actually earning any.