The Kevin Cook Show – TONIGHT

04/01/2014 by J. Nelson

If you can laugh behind bars you can survive just about anything.

I’m looking forward to assuming the guest position tonight on WKTA 1330 AM – Chicago’s Kevin Cook Show, where topics careen “from politics to the paranormal.” You can look for the interview link right here next week, or listen online. The show begins at six pm Pacific –

The Kevin Cook Show is piloted by Kevin Cook and Heidi Hollis, and while it’s scheduled to go an hour, I’m not sure if they’re going to take live callers or just make fun of me.

Either way, it sounds fun, and I’m sure we’ll get into prison reform, parolee reentry, and maybe even the top 10 self-help books currently being treated for Twinkies on prison yards across America. Many of the other excuses, subjects, and current issues found here on Where Excuses Go to Die are all up for grabs as well.

If you listen in and wind up offended, please tell your friends.

Court Referred Community Service Diary – 3

03/17/2014 by J. Nelson

“His jaw was working harder than a hog’s hips at a crowded trough.”

I really did mean to pay the ticket on time, but when both extensions I’d requested were granted, so much time passed that I marginalized its importance. When I finally faced the music, the Traffic Commissioner was happy to suspend my hefty fine in exchange for 50 hours of community service at a local Goodwill Donation Center. Welcome to #3 in a series…(Parts 1 and 2 are here and here.)

March 10, 2014 – Goodwill Donation Center, Wednesday

Only when you’re outta your mind on blow do you pay $59 for a thrift-store microwave oven circa 1995 by leaving a deposit with the manager, going to your car, and coming back for the thing a mere 15 minutes later. Only when your head is reeling from cocaine psychosis do you not realize you’re wiping your mouth in a forward motion with the back of your hands like a rat. And only when you’re anxious about returning to your car for more booger-sugar does your “inside voice” become your Dodger Stadium voice.

Court Referred Community Service Diary – 2

03/11/2014 by J. Nelson 1 Comment

“Where Pleated Pants Go to Die” – Thursday morning, March 5, 2014.

I really did mean to pay the ticket on time, but when both extensions I’d requested were granted, so much time passed that I marginalized its importance. When I finally faced the music, the Traffic Commissioner was happy to suspend my hefty fine in exchange for 50 hours of community service at a local Goodwill Donation Center. This is the second in a series…

Day one’s “Top Five Items that Qualify as Most Disgusting.”

Food-encrusted plates and utensils
Matted stuffed animals
Pillows
Crumb-sprinkling toasters
Hairdryers and curling irons

Three hours was all I could do. I thought for sure I’d be able to push it to four, but both the headache and the pre-judgment I’d arrived with had worsened. And yet, even failing to scratch the surface of my commitment, I began to appreciate the septic funhouse I’d entered. Read more