Prison Escape Powerball

January 29, 2016 by J. Nelson

Welcome to Apocalypse Hoosegow 10, the Lotto jackpot of potential prison escape movies (and the impossibly straight faces of the Orange County Sheriff’s Department).

Man, this story has got it all – and it ends in the parking lot of novelty grocery store, Whole Foods.

Killer convicts chipping their way through steel and concrete – check! Laughably low estimates of escaped prisoner capabilities – check! Brutal cellblock battle to distract guards – check! Cougar-teacher helping misunderstood love interest – check! Tied together bed sheets and socks and stuff – check! Months in the making, mistake-free master plan – check! Violent terror-inmates on the loose in conservative county – check! FBI dudes elbowing local badge bumblers outta the way – check! Adam-12-era hoosegow gettin’ last laugh on OC budget dorks – check! Incredibly straight-faced cop brass asking for public help in catching penis-severing Muslim blowtorch monster – check! check! check!

Ooh, and don’t forget: District Attorney’s office infighting – check! Unauthorized D.A. office statements made public – check! Open criticism – check! Gorilla-goons scratching their heads at escape hole – check! Magic gnats flying out of inmates mouths like in The Green Mile – ok, not that, but Range Rover-driving, Islamophobic blondes blessed with new hero – checkity check! Read more

Let’s Talk about Package Thieves

October 3, 2015 by J. Nelson

Abandoning skanky mattresses and furniture are hate crimes, and package thieves are cut from the same cloth.
These rats need skewering.

Few things get under my skin as much as abandoned, humped-on furniture, but package thieves come pretty close. And, ’tis the season for these losers to come out of their pain med stupors long enough to use what semblance of societal normalcy they possess as a cloak for their cowardice. Like this guy, who literally takes his toddler out of its stroller to make the kid grab someone’s package.

But guess what, dummies? Here’s where your excuses go to die, ’cause what the hell will you have to say for yourselves when you get caught? Read more

According to You: Average Americans Are Dumb

May 19, 2014 by J. Nelson

55% of America’s dummies believe they are the smartest Americans…

But 55% of us know we’re smarter than they are. YouGov is a British polling firm that dangles the ~~alternate currency~~ digital carrot of redeemable points and “cool rewards” to survey takers, then sells its gathered intelligence to clients around the world. America is a country that loves free movie tickets, raffle prizes, and gift cards, all of which can be earned by participating in YouGov’s data harvesting efforts. According to YouGov, some of this data says that 55% of Americans believe the “average” American is dumb, or more accurately, that they themselves are smarter than their compatriots.

What’s funny is that this global marketing outfit, YouGov, probably pays next to nothing for results like this, which it markets and sells to the world at what we can only surmise is a tidy profit. Surely their acquisitions people lock in gift cards and movie tickets for pennies on the dollar before offering them up. Then they trade mere eligibility for those products and services for our most valuable natural resource: personal time. What do I mean? Well, keep in mind that “reward points” are only as good as their ease of redeem-ability. By the time you find out how many hoops you have to jump through in order to cash in, access to your opinions and whatever other data can be mined from them will probably have been sold the world over many times. Read more

Court Referred Community Service Diary – 3

March 17, 2014 by J. Nelson

“His jaw was working harder than a hog’s hips at a crowded trough.”

I really did mean to pay the ticket on time, but when both extensions I’d requested were granted, so much time passed that I marginalized its importance. When I finally faced the music, the Traffic Commissioner was happy to suspend my hefty fine in exchange for 50 hours of community service at a local Goodwill Donation Center. Welcome to #3 in a series…(Parts 1 and 2 are here and here.)

March 10, 2014 – Goodwill Donation Center, Wednesday

Only when you’re outta your mind on blow do you pay $59 for a thrift-store microwave oven circa 1995 by leaving a deposit with the manager, going to your car, and coming back for the thing a mere 15 minutes later. Only when your head is reeling from cocaine psychosis do you not realize you’re wiping your mouth in a forward motion with the back of your hands like a rat. And only when you’re anxious about returning to your car for more booger-sugar does your “inside voice” become your Dodger Stadium voice.

Some Came Running

November 25, 2012 by J. Nelson

“Aesthetic medicine” practitioner Dr. Jack Berdy has figured out a way to beat the game of poker by selling Botox injections to mid- and high-stakes card sharks to eliminate their “tells.” He calls this “Pokertox,” and while it’s really just a gimmicky repurposing and promotion of a ho-hum cosmetic, what it says about Berdy’s clientele is fascinating.

As Berdy deadens his patients’ faces to prevent nervous ticks, twitches, jumpy eyebrows, frowns, trembling lips, and other obvious signs of relief, annoyance, elation, or fear, he essentially removes all traces of the life they’ve lived from their expressions. On the one hand, if he’s successful and the other players are unable to read that face, Berdy will have replaced his client’s actual “character” with the character of a “winner.” He or she will, after all, have “won,” right? Since these days a receipt for that win is all that matters, whoever’s counting the pot at the end of the game is the clear victor here. It’s just funny that we’re talkin’ about adding or removing character with a syringe to triumph in a game traditionally viewed as a test of one’s mettle. Read more

WHAT DID ELMO KNOW?

November 13, 2012 by J. Nelson

Did Kevin Clash, the voice of Elmo, have a sexual relationship with a 16-year-old boy? Apparently unaware that it’s still gross, Clash claimed things started only after the boy turned 18. What, did he wait for the kid’s “special” birthday? And WAS ELMO THERE? Sesame Street Workshop execs have known about the situation since June. Did Elmo protect the man who operated the puppet for more than 27 years? Will our furry red friend go out like Paterno, disgraced and weakened, or will he persist, forever a symbol of parental awkwardness?

And who’s going explain Elmo’s sudden, if slight, voice change? Read more

Tomorrow’s Question

July 29, 2012 by J. Nelson

No Happy New Year for Hollywood Arsonist

January 3, 2012 by J. Nelson

Harry “The Hollywood Arsonist” Burkhart was apprehended, but not before giving me a personal view of the lives affected by his über-tantrum.

Monday, January 2, 2012

At 2:30 a.m. on Monday, having been jolted from sleep by sirens aplenty, I saw for myself the fear, loss, and abrupt gratitude on the faces of an apartment building full of people watching their cars and property burn.

Living in Los Angeles, you get to know the difference between a burning hillside and 3000 lbs. of plastic car, so when I looked out our kitchen window and saw a huge column of thick tire smoke mushroom-clouding over the house, I knew two things: that the response by police and fire had been nearly instantaneous (bravo!) and that this unhinged piece of shit had made his way into our neighborhood. Read more

Sidewalk Etiquette: Excuse Me or Excuse You?

November 28, 2011 by J. Nelson

**What’s your response when some self-absorbed Facebook profile marches into you because she’s looking at a phone?**

As a general rule, I (very clearly) say, “excuse you.” The same goes for when I’m blatantly cut off or elbowed. And especially at holiday time, my amusement grows in direct proportion to the indignation of the offender.

Today, on a sidewalk between Barnes & Noble and Banana Republic, a woman and I collided when her UGGs continued to trudge as she texted. Her eyes were still on the screen when she heard “excuse you” as I stepped around and away from her.

Inside B&N not four minutes later, I heard behind me an indignant voice saying, “…and this asshole son-of-a-bitch said, ‘excuse you,’ to me – shuh!” Having angrily brushed past me with the phone now at her ear, she’d pulled a U-turn outside and followed me into the store. Now she stopped and awaited the reaction to which evidentially felt entitled. She was suddenly a victim and was hissing the details of her ordeal to a friend – if there was anyone on the other end of her phone. Read more

At Least Inmates Don’t Protect Child Molesters

November 11, 2011 by J. Nelson

FILE UNDER: Duh!

Yeah? Well, you try ‘n find pictures for this post! Give it a shot. Every related word or phrase I entered to search for corresponding images grossed me out.

Ironic, isn’t it? Out here in the real world, kid-touchers are shielded by priests, police departments, and now football coaches. Behind bars, where society’s worst are sent, shielding, hiding or defraying a child rapist’s fate is unthinkable.

And this doesn’t just hold true for your older criminals: about a month ago, two teen burglars discovered that CDs they’d stolen were laden with child porn. Even they agreed it was worth risking a B&E conviction to notify the Sheriff’s Department and the smug P.O.S. they stole from – who had the gall to report his missing property to the police – was arrested. Read more