The Public Face of Booger Sugar: Drug Cartels to Sponsor Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton proposes Ground Zero NarcoCartel Memorial Statue to honor fallen heroes

Original Story: | Wednesday, Sept. 1, 2010

Sound silly? Why? Shouldn’t Mexico’s drug cartels be sending Paris Hilton ‘Thank You’ bouquets and paying her legal fees right about now?

Between Los Zetas, the Sinaloa Cartel, La Familia, and Cártel de Tijuana, it’s estimated that Mexico’s narco-traffickers profit to the tune of $13 billion a year by bringing drugs into the US. Imagine what would happen if they could agree on one person in the U.S. to formalize their image and deliver their message directly to customers?

So let me be the first to nominate the ideal individual for this role. Hands down, Paris Hilton would make the best pitch-woman for drug trafficking operations — because she already is one! Of all the jet-setting, yacht-hopping, champagne-showering butterflies that successfully market pot and booger-sugar to young girls on behalf of Mexico’s narco-insurgency, isn’t a blonde honky-heiress to the Hilton Hotel chain a public relations orgasm? And so, she’s already the unofficial public face of the narcotics industry, the cartels would be stupid not to sponsor Hilton officially, right? She’s proven herself to be bubbly, bouncy, and brainless, and hello? Paris comes pre-immune to law! No matter what she gets busted for, it’s no biggie, and I bet her blink-of-an-eye punishments will help promote sales. Plus, with Paris Hilton’s American birthright to our forgiveness and love of comeback stories, she could desensitize us to the cartels’ image as corpse-raping, throat-slashing, police-mutilating, hospital-burning baby-killers. They could have a logo! They could have a Ground Zero Memorial statue!

And what’s in it for her? Being backed by untouchable super-profiteers would mean that she could finally bitch-slap her grandfather’s poopy ‘ol hotel chain legacy right into oblivion. It could be Paris who will be remembered in that family, not the old coot! (Actually scratch that last one; she cast a shadow over Connie Hilton years ago.) And that’s what I’m sayin’: if Paris would just do herself the favor of abandoning the narrow, hum-drum world of wealth, fame, and international identity and take her rightful place at the feet of the Juárez boys, she’d be free of judgment and criticism. She would, she really would! If she just would stop using, “Oh, that’s not my $3,000 handbag,” or, “I thought it was gum,” as excuses and flaunt her drug use instead, she would be as accepted in this county as apple pie. No, not everyone would like her, but not everyone likes apple pie. Some would still dismiss her as criminal scum, but they wouldn’t be able to accuse her of masquerading under a false image, would they? Nope! Her character and charming persona would be free to openly endorse any Schedule II substance she chooses.

No doubt she’s quite the connoisseur.